


Fall For You || Phan

by HelloAnonymousWriter



Series: Phan One Shots [30]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Break Up, Fighting, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 03:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13561467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloAnonymousWriter/pseuds/HelloAnonymousWriter
Summary: Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade (songfic)





	Fall For You || Phan

**Author's Note:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/138241513-phan-one-shots-~-fall-for-you  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/146754193519/fall-for-you-phan

The best thing 'bout tonight's that we're not fighting,

could it be that we have been this way before?

I know you don't think that I am trying,

I know you're wearing thin down to the core.

~~~

I glanced up at the door as he walked in. I swallowed the lump in my throat and quickly averted my gaze back to my laptop. It had been three weeks - after three years of being together as ... a couple. We were finally over. However, I still loved him and we agreed we'd continue to stay friends and live together since our lives were so tangled together that if they were separated we'd probably have nothing. He's still my best friend ... it just hurts because we had fought for nearly two months and only last week did he say those words that cut through me like glass.

"Hey." He muttered as he walked in the room and I nodded in acknowledgement of his presence. I suppose I should be glad that the fighting is finally over but now I have a hole in my heart where Phil should be. I gave him another swift glance to see him walking into his room and closing the door. I let out a sigh, I didn't think we'd ever be mended.

~~~

But hold your breath,

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you, over again.

Don't make me change my mind,

Or I won't live to see another day, I swear it's true.

Because a girl(boy) like you is impossible to find,

You're impossible to find.

~~~

I started on dinner and frowned into the pot as I stirred - I always drifted deep into thought when I was either on my own, cooking or in the shower. I thought about how badly things had gotten. Two months earlier it was as if we had been perfect. That was until Phil's grandparent's died and his brother ended up in hospital. Unfortunately we were called in to do work for BBC work in Phil's grieving period and that caused Phil's stress levels to rise.

His brother is still in the hospital but is recovering and I hope he gets better soon so some of the weight falls off of Phil's shoulders. The day of the funeral he broke down and cried into my shoulder that night. For the next week he didn't talk much and sat around moping. He tried his hardest to do the radio show and even got yelled at by the producer - which only made Phil's anger rise. I defended him but the producer wasn't in the mood and threatened to fire us.

Later that night when I checked on him he lashed out at me - he didn't hurt me physically, just mentally. He swore and was just all in all not himself. I took his blows - knowing he didn't actually mean them but after a month of stress and his grief it really started to get through to me how much he said mean things to me. I didn't know if it was a coping mechanism or not because he wasn't getting any better and I felt worse because whenever I tried to help he'd push me away or get angry. Ultimately he got us both fired from the radio show for swearing live and pissing the producer off again.

That night I blew up at him since my own frustration began to rise and I felt the sudden need to tell him how much he'd hurt me over the months. He looked sad and guilty but his anger overpowered his other emotions and we ended up fighting almost every night since he continued to get mad, stressed and even pushed me away. When the producer called to give us a second chance I accepted without Phil's opinion and when I told him he flared up again. We argued about it for the remaining time up until he finally broke it off with me.

~~~

This is not what I intended,

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart.

You always thought I was stronger,

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.

~~~

~Flashback~

"I'M SICK OF THIS!" I yelled through tears. "I'm sick of you using me as a doormat and dismissing me. I'm you're boyfriend not your throw rug and I have feelings too. I know you were upset when your grandparents died but you have to move on! You've let it consume you and now you have all this stress as well as pent up anger so you choose to take it out on the nearest person which is me and I'm sick of it! I have a heart to protect Phil! I love you and it hurts me that you treat me this way. I accepted the radio offer because you got us fired and it IS our job anyway. Take some responsibility and get your life back on track - stop hurting me, stop hurting others and stop hurting yourself!" I ranted, tears leaking.

He looked shocked and angry even though I had said similar things to him over the past two months. "What would you know? You're right I am sad and stressed because my brother's in a fucking coma, my grandparents died and I have to act as if everything is okay and go back to work. I have to visit my parents a lot so I can help them recover too and I have to visit the hospital to make sure my only brother doesn't DIE! So excuse me if I'm a little angry from time to time!" He snapped back.

I let out a frustrated groan and tugged on my own hair. He had said that a hundred times. I understood he was hurting but whenever I tried to help him, hug him or comfort him he pushed me away - he wouldn't let me understand. "I KNOW PHIL! But that doesn't give you the excuse to take it out on me! I've tried to understand, I've tried to help but you just throw it back in my face so what left is there to do? I'm trying to shake some sense into you!" I growled, so done with having to explain over and over.

"WELL YOU KNOW WHAT DAN? I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND! All you can think about right now is yourself and how I'm affecting you when I need some space to recover. I only pushed you away when I felt smothered!"

"OH SO NOW I'M SMOTHERING YOU?" I yelled back in fury.

"YES! I need space. I think we should break it off for a while. I'm done with you whining at me and telling me what to do. I'm sick of you making this about you, I'm sick of having to keep my emotions bottled up only to let them out on you when you piss me off." He yelled.

I froze in place. The anger was bubbling at my surface but the shock stopped me from releasing it. "He wants to break up with me?" I thought in fear. I looked at his cold blue eyes which made me shiver and bit my lip to stop the tears from leaking. Did he really not love me at all any more? I held back a sob and turned away from him since tears were threatening to fall. I still loved him a lot and believed that we could get through this but I never thought he'd just let me go just like that. He didn't even look bothered.

I didn't want to break up but I wasn't happy and he wasn't happy and until Phil returned to being even the slightest bit normal then we would remain broken. I sniffed and took in a shaky breath. "If that's what you want. Then fine." I said coldly and left.

~~~

But hold your breath,

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you, over again.

Don't make me change my mind,

Or I won't live to see another day, I swear it's true.

Because a girl(boy) like you is impossible to find,

It's impossible..

~~~

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and my eyes widened. I quickly wiped it away and shook my head - continuing to prepare dinner. I dished it out and walked into the lounge. "DINNER!" I yelled and winced when I heard my voice crack. I sniffed and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I sat at one end of the sofa and when Phil plodded in he took the other side. We ate in silence - only the sound of the TV filling in the silence.

We used to eat in comfortable silence but this silence was one where tension hung heavily in the air and it only thickened the barrier forming between us. I felt my heart sink further as he refused to look at me. I ached inside because despite how horrible he'd been I still loved him a lot - three years of love definitely overpowered the hatred of two months I had felt for him yet he seemed to be hanging on to it even though he didn't show it much.

Sometimes when I was feeling low I hoped he'd feel bad and would feel as hurt as I did. Sometimes I wished that when he got his thoughts back in order he'd feel really guilty and hurt and bed me to come back and to hurt him more I'd refuse and make him work for it. Afterwards I'd always regret thinking those thoughts because Phil was still a person and he still had a heart. He was already hurting and I realised that breaking up with me on top of everything might only make him feel worse.

I gave him his space as promised and only talked to him when absolutely necessary. Sometimes I'd catch a small glint of sadness in his eyes when I wouldn't add to his small talk. Even though I knew he was hurting he had still been out of order and I was still bitter. He wanted space so I gave him what he wanted and I also got to make him feel a little guilty each time. I wanted him to feel guilty but I also wanted to hug him, kiss him and make him mine again so the conflict going on in my mind was very distracting. I tended to avoid Phil in case I either slapped him or kissed him and both were a bad idea and also inappropriate.

The episode ended but both of us were still halfway through the meal. It then went on to a rerun of doctor who. It was the episode where cyber men invade earth and the Doctor and Rose get split up. As I watched them get separated I felt my heart beat fast and tears spring to my eyes. This was the wrong thing to be watching and it was tugging at my chest. Phil's sudden gaze on me was the cherry on the cake. I abruptly stood up, slamming my plate down on the coffee table and sprinting out of the room towards my bedroom. "I'm so fucking done with everything!" I thought. I only cried the night he broke up with me and refused to let any other tears slip but now it had all built up and I sobbed into my pillows, letting it all out.

"DAN?!" Phil called from the lounge but I ignored him.

~~~

So breath in so deep,

Breath me in, I'm yours to keep.

And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap,

And remember me tonight, when you're asleep.

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall over you, over again.

Don't make me change my mind,

Or I won't live to see another day, I swear it's true.

Because a girl(boy) like you is impossible to find,

Tonight will be the night that I will fall over you, over again.

Don't make me change my mind,

Or I won't live to see another day, I swear it's true.

Because a girl(boy) like you is impossible to find,

You're impossible to find.

~~~

I cried and cried into my pillows. I missed Phil. My Phil. Not the hollow shell of a man who pushed me away, swore at me, degraded me and lashed out at everything. I couldn't stop the tears as all of my frustration just flooded out. I was so done and I just wanted my suffering to end. I was so distraught I didn't even hear the creak of my door open until I heard him.

"Dan." He breathed quietly and I whipped my head round to see him standing in the doorway with a horrified expression as he took in my face. I turned away from him, tears still escaping my eyes.

"Go away." I croaked.

"No." He said sternly and I heard him take steps towards my bed.

"I said leave me alone Phil!" I snapped but he didn't stop. I felt the bed tip as he sat down besides me, I glared at the pillow and turned to look at him. He had that guilty and sad expression on his face again and even though it tugged at my heart I felt the need to make him feel worse. "Just fuck off! I don't need you! It's all your fucking fault and I don't want to look at you!" I growled, the words just slipping out even though inside I was screaming at myself to stop.

He closed his eyes and let me yell at him, not lashing back at all. "YOU pushed me away, YOU hurt me, YOU refuse to get better and YOU broke us up! So I want YOU to fuck off because I am so done with YOU!" I snarled, tears still leaking. "You pushed me away when I tried to be there for you so why should I want your fucking sympathy now? Just get the fuck out of my life!" My last few words came out as a sob and I broke down once again.

I didn't mean any of my the words I said. It wasn't all Phil's fault because he was hurting. I knew that Phil didn't really mean to say bad things to me and that once he was better he'd apologise. Being the paranoid and insecure little fuck I am, I let his words get to me and in turn I only made him worse. I didn't want him to get out of my life, I wanted him to stay in it forever because I love him.

"I'm sorry." Phil choked and I looked up through my wet lashes to see tears in his eyes. I stared in shock. In all the time we had been fighting he had never apologised and he had only cried at the funeral, the hospital and mostly on his own - never really in front of me. I didn't say a word as the tears slipped out of his eyes. "I'm so fucking sorry Dan." He sobbed and covered his face with his hands, trying to stop them flowing.

I swallowed and even though I had said such horrible words to him, I felt my defences crumble. I sniffed and crawled over to him and laid a hesitant hand on his shoulder, scared he'd lash out again. If there was one thing I couldn't stand - it was seeing Phil cry. Especially over me. I felt my own guilt rise and even went as far as wrapping me arms around him.

His tense shoulders relaxed in my hold like they had done for years. He always used to melt into my embrace and we'd cuddle for hours. I held him tight even though we weren't together any more - I was still his friend and I didn't want him to hurt any more. I even didn't want him to keep apologising, I wanted to apologise and make him feel better again.

He took his hands away and pulled a little away from the embrace just enough to look me in the eye. "I'm sorry Dan. I didn't mean any of the words I ever said to you. I've thought about what I did over these last three weeks of being apart and I've slowly felt myself collapse without you. I shouldn't have ever said any of those things to you because you don't deserve it because you HAVE been there for me and I was just blinded by stress and hurt and I stupidly believed you'd never understand how I felt. I don't want us to be apart Dan and I can't believe I even suggested breaking up with you because I love you too god damn much to let you go. I can't live without you in my life - I'm so sorry!" He sobbed, pulling me tighter to him. "Please take me back Dan, please! I love you, I'm sorry." He begged.

I felt a smile stretch across my face and tears of happiness escape my eyes. I hugged him back tight because this was my Phil - the Phil who loved me and the Phil who let me love him in return. "Of course I want you back. I love you too and I didn't mean any of those things I said either. I love you Phil - I love you so much and I'm sorry I couldn't have done more. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the support you needed-"

"Don't say that. You did exactly the right thing but I was being a douche and threw it back in your face. I can't believe I said those things to you because three years should count for more than me bring a dick to you!" He said sternly and kissed my neck since his face was tucked into the crook of my neck.

"I love you." I whispered and pulled him away so I could kiss him properly.

"I love you too - so much."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


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